Death of the body and mind

This body is left on fire; crumbling into a pile of dust I wait for the ringing in my head to die away, but it only intensifies with each twisting agony I am left to endure. The turbulent tide collides and festers into the silent abyss I once called love. Violently thrashing against the waves this sea of acid washes across me, the visions are becoming weaker and the truth is far from illuminating.  Waking only in fear of your loss; holding my breath in deep wisps of euphoria, my last attempt to delay the moment of times exodus. Busted and without hope I am left adrift holding in a breath of you; my lungs refuse to inhale any vapors that haven't graced your lips. The aching subsides… the waves calm… I slip beneath the surface of this sea of heart ache into a silent oblivion… into the darkness I descend, for only in the darkness can I find solitude to purge your poisons from my lustful vanes…

The end to this tunnel of loathing is clearly out of reach, yet I strive for it… each second I yearn for the deep burning seed of pain to leave my body, and the freedom never comes.  I close my eyes tight and imagine I’m important… that my life has some purpose, that I’m more then a husk of skin waiting to be relieved of life at deaths approach, yet I know the truth to what extent of power I’m allowed.  This feeling of nothingness is far from overwhelming… How can I be anything more then nothing? How I am anything but nothing at the same time?  Sorrow is all that flows through out this life, it leads the pain wrapped around my heart wrenched deep around rusted and blunt, and it truly carries with it a degree of reality happiness could never bring.  Happiness leaves this mind lost in a sea of alternate disarray from the truth.  The truth surrounds me; the reality of the world comes into focus as age grabs hold.  This life is nothing but pain… we flavor however we see fit, but deep inside everything dies and in the end everything must feel pain in sorrow.  A life lead without happiness is better of… it only destroys the true vision of the suffering we only have to take one step into the real world to endure.

I drag my nails a crossed my skin in a disparate attempt to rid my soul of your vile influence. Shedding each layer of skin festered with by heavenly brushes of your lips.  Wrenched in depression’s guise of comfort, bring some sort of peace to my ill humored soul.  Fuck the tender lies you display in meek attempts to get me to drop this armored hearts defense. I fear the poison you wish for me to consume will be the death of this hearts ill beating, each brash recurrence of your so called heartfelt contempt for me is just an illusion. Damn you and your sweet words of kind natures reaching out to lash me down to the hell your love would only birth in the cold of my souls shaded visions of nightmares. You hold no value to my reality, you have no influence on my life, you carry with you no meaning to my already meaningless plight of shameful existence, your charity hold no weight with me but only to remind me of how sick you make me feel.  I don’t need you, I don’t need any of you, All I need is for this throbbing in my heart to relinquish its rights to my life, and let me drift of into the nothingness I crave to become.

Weaving this dark tragedy right before angelic eyes… She held my grieving soul before the radiant light.  Destroying the concepts I had once held to be true about my life.  I found each moment more meaningful then the last… I found myself plunged into a deep sea of fragrant hues and ambers.  She gave this renewed lust for colors in a world that I found dominated by the shades of gray and darkest of blacks.  Love blinded what was truthfully lurking beneath a calm surface.  Love was only a minor replacement for the depression welling up inside an ever so benign surface.  It wasn’t until that final embrace when I realized a lingering dark corridor in an all but forgot reign of my heart.  It wasn’t long before a found my heart completely tainted by its ever growing presence.  Truth became clear… the fabrication of this dream state realized… the demon lying in slumber beginning to awaken yet again.  Then I slipped… I crashed clear from atop high back into this hollow hole I am far to acquainted with.  She was lost, despite my futile attempts to regain even the friendship I had become so accustom too, I lost her… I find this sweeping rush of distraught lament take hold in the quite of the night.  I slowly regain my footing, and yet again embark upon the path laid before me… this path of longing and despair.   Left with just a glimpse of what happiness was like to torment my tortured soul for the remained of my existence… as I search for the ends of this overshadowed life.

Whispers shatter politely on a substance’s hopes for some clarification about the meaningless plight of its sustaining immortality from the corporeal world. Entwined with the fabric of which it hopes to escape, experiencing a degree of reality only separation could make right each discretion that pollutes it.  A true happiness that could never be obtained for this individual form, though some maybe happy just to know that this great uncaused cause be guiding them to some meaningful end, it leaves such left in a well of discontent.  The intellectual principle that drives such to a wanting of knowing, that only leaves such to wrench in all the unanswered questions this life is supposed to provide us.  Happiness seems so pointless when it’s in the nature of this intellectual soul to be self destructive.

Sinking slowly dying in a hell bound and chained through the entire remembrance leashed memories of what was thought mutual. Forsaking my heart once again, crushed quickly without remorse… left clinched tight wishing for the pain to end… how could I of been so foolish… how could it feel so blinded… I let the roots take hold… I wanted to be loved… I thought it would be something beautiful, but fate seems to have more anguish and loneliness in store for this fragile soul.  I long to tear my heart from this prison, to leave the blood in my vanes to bleed dry this ache… cry out against the sorrow swelling in my mind.  Each taste I acquire reluctantly leads me down into the hole from which I attempted to escape, dying each passing second… hoping for her memories to fade from my mind.

Breathing gently in life’s defining degrees of entanglement, Sipping elegantly on the visage of loves cup.  Each tear has been collected, each moment begins with a smile, each sorrow has been put a side, each pain plucked out with tender contemplation…  She carries with her scars that seem so extravagant, yet beautifully stitched into each grace of her being.  She’s so close, yet her heart remains miles away with the love that held her tight, making her the radiant light that captures all that glimpse her smiling soul.  Longing for a guardian to keep the night at bay, while allowing her to spread her wings and sore from the shackles this valley of perfection has placed on her.  I hope to be that guardian, I hope to help you be the beauty I know you posses, I stumble to find the right words to express how much you weigh on my heart… The time never seems right… the moment never seems to come, yet I wait… holding onto something I have yet to be given, and searching for the moment when I can truly find out if you’re my angel or wither I'm just stuck in your after glow…

Stars scattered over the moonless night… each light holding its own special flicker.  Only a dream to carry me along tonight, just a small meaningless hope of self gratification, each moment seems colder then the last, tied to the noose around my heart.  Silently wrenched with torture, doubled over with its clasping dead fingers beneath my whole... searing arrows piercing the visions of love’s lie and the experiences untold.  Slipping back into the abyss, like the animal I am… holding onto the scraps I could manage.  Smiling bright joyful faces haunt my nights, hiding in my silence… opening my mouth is like letting mistakes happen, quieting down the razor along my tongue, never to speak again… I say very little yet it always seems like far too much coming from the quite hollows in the dark corner of the room, far too much from the shunned outcast belated by the fears such realities let in my quite house in the darkest part of my mind.

Acidic burning consumes my insides, twisted in knots… holding on to the gifts that have been given.  Smiling through each passing moment of your radiance about me… relinquishing completely to its embracing grace and beauty, wishing for just a taste of what it could bring.  Glimpsing something I couldn’t grasp,  holding tight to each passing second,  racing through each possibility… life without you reminds me how empty a angels mercy can feel,  seeking a treasure far more valuable then any gem or ruby, worth more then any star in the sky or power to be obtained.  Reopening the wounds in my heart… searching for the emotions I have tried to shut out… all for one attempt at gaining the gift I want most… a diamond you carry inside your chest, a heart to replace my own broken beliefs about how much god has forgotten me, a chance for this fallen angel to redeem his love and honor. I give to you my angel of mercy a heart that time has withered and shattered through life’s trials, in my last attempt to regain all I have lost… and for one chance to bathe in your loving light for all eternity.

All wrong
Its always all wrong

Never seem to get it right

Slipping into the cracks

A puzzle shifting

The piece was there

It all fit so beautifully

Holding on to the radiance

Danger was unforeseen

What happened?

It all just disappeared

One mistake

Then everything is lost

Weeping each moment

Slipping farther into the cracks

Deep inside

Breaking

Deep below

Seething

Deep inside

Hating

It all went wrong

Where did it all go wrong?

Love was all around us

Each moment it grew

Then like a demon

Like some fucking horror

It all fell apart

Leaving me to wonder

How something that felt so right

Could become all wrong